Today I arrived at church earlier than ever.
It was true dawn, that moment when you sit in your car and have to think about whether or not you need to turn your headlights on, the moment where it is neither night nor morning, but somewhere in between.
It was dark enough to make taking pictures a challenge.
In the dim light the zoom couldn't capture anything with clarity.
But there was a moment when the sun lit up behind the clouds and it was so beautiful, so awe-inspiring that I took several pictures quickly in a row, but the moment was so fleeting, sunrise springing so suddenly, that after the very first picture, the moment had passed. The clouds had moved on. The sun was on its own, engulfing everything.
This is life, moments of darkness and light, each transitioning to the other which such speed it knocks us back, doesn't it? Both good and bad leave us on our knees, weeping in thanks one day and crying with prayerful pleas the next.
I found myself crying during communion this morning. It's been awhile since I've been moved that suddenly and with that much emotion during a church service. It used to happen every Sunday and then I got sick.
But this morning, the song that played during communion stirred the grief within me, grief that I've only allowed to trickle out in slow drops over the past few years, grief over dreams lost and dreams deferred.
Because of inflammation in my eyes, it was a miracle this morning that I had any tears at all. The welling of emotion should have produced a flood. Instead, my eyes simply filled briefly and stayed that way. I didn't have to blink the tears away. They just stayed a moment and then disappeared.
But it did not stop me from weeping inside, from feeling my chest tighten, from seeing myself holding God, clutching at Him, burying my face in His shoulder and asking "Why?"
Why won't you let me serve you when it's all I've ever wanted?
He was silent.
And that was right, because I already knew the answer.
Today is Day 50 of 365 Days of Hope.
We don't always get to do things the way we want. But that doesn't mean that God won't use us, won't use every bit of us.
Today is Day 50 and this is how I serve God.
It was true dawn, that moment when you sit in your car and have to think about whether or not you need to turn your headlights on, the moment where it is neither night nor morning, but somewhere in between.
It was dark enough to make taking pictures a challenge.
In the dim light the zoom couldn't capture anything with clarity.
But there was a moment when the sun lit up behind the clouds and it was so beautiful, so awe-inspiring that I took several pictures quickly in a row, but the moment was so fleeting, sunrise springing so suddenly, that after the very first picture, the moment had passed. The clouds had moved on. The sun was on its own, engulfing everything.
This is life, moments of darkness and light, each transitioning to the other which such speed it knocks us back, doesn't it? Both good and bad leave us on our knees, weeping in thanks one day and crying with prayerful pleas the next.
I found myself crying during communion this morning. It's been awhile since I've been moved that suddenly and with that much emotion during a church service. It used to happen every Sunday and then I got sick.
But this morning, the song that played during communion stirred the grief within me, grief that I've only allowed to trickle out in slow drops over the past few years, grief over dreams lost and dreams deferred.
Because of inflammation in my eyes, it was a miracle this morning that I had any tears at all. The welling of emotion should have produced a flood. Instead, my eyes simply filled briefly and stayed that way. I didn't have to blink the tears away. They just stayed a moment and then disappeared.
But it did not stop me from weeping inside, from feeling my chest tighten, from seeing myself holding God, clutching at Him, burying my face in His shoulder and asking "Why?"
Why won't you let me serve you when it's all I've ever wanted?
He was silent.
And that was right, because I already knew the answer.
Today is Day 50 of 365 Days of Hope.
We don't always get to do things the way we want. But that doesn't mean that God won't use us, won't use every bit of us.
Today is Day 50 and this is how I serve God.
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